Cyber Sermon of Sorts....

Well, you can take the girl out o the church but you can't take the church out of the girl..."
Something about needing to express and it was Sunday and... well, the following blog borders on being a talk I might have given on a church Sunday.
(nb: if you are among my readers who didn't or don't like the way I did church, do us all a favor and stop reading now.)
Pull up a pew and proceed at your own discretion, Thank you.


"I have to admit it's getting better, a little better, all the time." The Beatles.
"Feeling stronger every day". Chicago
and my anthem, "I will survive. As long as I know how to love, I know I'll be alive." Gloria Gaynor

This has been an interesting time for me. I have not been unemployed for over 8 years. I haven't had this many days off (not counting when I was sick) since I got to San Diego. That is both disconcerting and wonderful.
Ministry is pretty much a 24/7, 365 day kind of job--even with the occassional conference or brief vacation;for me it was almost like being a parent-- you never fully disconnect. And it is no different now.

Sure, I don't go into the office on a regular basis and this was my third Sunday in a row away from delivering a sermon. (They say that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit--- I am closing in on that.) A habit? No, wait, I wasn't a nun--ha ha ha ha. But I digress...

Leaving Pacific Church was a rather abrupt exit and not much opportunity closure for anyone. I knew that to move through this, I needed to hibernate for awhile--not be out being social, no phone chatting, etc. Didn't want to make small talk nor answer big questions. Animals go off and lick their wounds after battle and I was no different. I knew that I needed to put a moratorium on my heart for awhile til I regained my bearings. I was a mixture of emotions. There were people who love(d) me and people who betray(ed) me. (Notice which I listed first). And I am smart enough to know there were people that felt I betrayed them along the way, too. Some felt that way in my arriving at PCRS and others felt that way in my leaving. Such is the nature of the beast.

So I began doing what I know best to do: spiritual practice. It's funny but the first few days of my 'new life' I acted like a teenager. I knew I could sleep in if I wanted to. Nyah. I didn't have to sit and do my meditation the first thing if I didn't wanna... Double nyah. I could do what I wanted. Well, what I wanted in my heart was to continue the charge I came to San Diego to do. I wanted to teach and lead by example even if I was no longer officially bound to do so. I knew that I had to be the change I wanted (and my exit was to generate) to see at Pacific Church. That meant more prayers, more contemplation and inner work. More forgiveness acrosss the board.

Yet, I know the power of what can be done with intention This time, I work at staying grounded and connected in ways that I can. This blog and my e-mail is a primary source of reaching out. I remind myself to continue to stay at choice about all of it--from when I get up, to how I fill my day and my thoughts. And that is a good thing.

To continue my musical bent, and with a nod to Ms. Joni Mitchell:

"Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at CHURCH from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its Church illusions I recall
I really dont know Church at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at Church from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its Church illusions I recall
I really dont know Church at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all."

Better...not, bitter.

... better...it is getting better all the time.

with love (after all, there is nothing else...)

RDD